I have spent years working on myself in spiritual growth, coaching and counseling. Additionally, I have also spent years investing in my marriage through training, spiritual growth and counseling. Taking these things into consideration, I have to say, marriage is work, great work. When you invest in the right ways and right areas, you can really experience something profound with your spouse.

The Secret Ingredients (Necessities).

After 20 years of being married to by amazing wife, learned lessons, healed wounds, four degrees, thousands of hours counseling others and continued relational engagement in my own marriage... I feel like I can share some secrets for a lasting marriage.

My old boss would always tell me to use the K.I.S.S. principle defined more clearly as "Keep It Simple Stupid". Though crass, this statement has helped me stay focused over the years. Let me keep is simple here as well.

The three key necessities are:

1. Sex - Physical Intimacy

2. Communication - Intellectual Intimacy

3. Trust - Emotional Intimacy

#1 Great sex requires more than physicality.

Great sex is dependent on intimacy. When I use the word "intimacy" I am talking about physical, emotional, relational and spiritual intimacy. Many unmarried couples think of their honeymoon as the place where great sex is to be found. The truth is, the honeymoon tends to be the introduction to married sex. Married sex is different than any other sex you may have experienced. The reason for that is due to the intimacy required in order to experience great sex.

Great sex requires genuine trust and a deep emotional connection. This happens after years of commitment to one another.

On my honeymoon, I envisioned an amazing sexual encounter with my bride. What I didn't expect were the emotions... the long discussions... the feelings of insecurity and the arguments. My first major marital fight with my wife was on our honeymoon. I have found this to be very common amongst newlyweds. If you want to have great sex, learn to develop emotional intimacy with your spouse. This happens through communication and trust.

#2 Great communication requires more than words.

Researchers are finding communication to be 70 to more than 90 percent non-verbal. Let that sit in for a couple of minutes... seriously, think about that. Non-verbal cues, micro-communications, macro-communications, body language, tone etc.

Communication is more than talking.

It has been studied and found that woman use more words than men, however, the question is, "how do we best communicate?" not "how many words do we use?" Couples working on communication issues are using words, however, they are not using them in a way to share what they are genuinely feeling. This has to do with their inability to connect with their own feelings... they just don't know themselves well enough to share what is going on. Or, this can be an issue of a lack of trusting their parter with their feelings. Beyond these two reasons, the issue of poor communication can cut deeper. Sometimes people are dealing with PTSD or childhood trauma.

Whatever the case, communication needs to be addressed if the couple is going to find a place for health and vitality. I want to encourage you, you can overcome the issues I have listed. It will require commitment and hard work.

#3 Great trust is earned.

Trust is defined by your ability to believe something. Trust in a relationship is your ability to believe in partner. One of the secrets for a lasting marriage is the ability to earn and keep trust. Trust is central to a healthy marriage. Without it your marriage will suffer.

Great relationships are dependent on Trust. You cannot have a genuine relationship if trust isn't present. You have to figure out how to trust each other or the relationship is doomed. This statement is not meant to be a death sentence but a wake up call. If you have any inkling of distrust in your relationship, address it.

Trust is easily broken and can be difficult to repair. Maintaining trust means doing your best to honor your partner and doing your part to be reliable and trustworthy.

Being trustworthy looks like:

1. Keeping your word.
   
2. Being consistent.
3. Clearly communicating.
4. Being honest.
5. Admitting mistakes

Happy Family....